Isn’t Trauma the same for everybody?
Webster defines trauma as “a deeply depressing or disturbing experience.” That seems like such a simple way to define something that is difficult to validate. When we think about trauma, we actually each define it differently. Why can some people be placed in similar situations and the same experience not become traumatic for them? Think about your siblings, for instance. Even though each of you lived under the same roof, with the same parents, for the same amount of time, you will describe events in your shared family life completely different.
Let’s explore the definition of trauma together. It seems like Webster has missed something.
Imagine this…you are driving down the freeway and a semi-truck starts to swerve into your lane. You quickly turn the wheel, overcorrect and your car dashes into the tall weeds just off the road. You notice a grassy knoll up ahead and you slam your brakes, just in time to avoid crashing into it. Your air bags suddenly deploy and you push the gear into “Park.” You and your passenger unbuckle your seatbelts, you step out of your car to recognize that nobody was hurt.
Now, let me ask you, “Is this a traumatic experience?” Remember that trauma is defined as “a deeply depressing or disturbing experience.” No doubt, a near-death experience should be considered a traumatic one. But, interesting enough, for some people it is….while others it is not. Why is this? It really depends on who is in your passenger seat.
Let me tell you what happens next. And then I will ask you again, “Is this a traumatic experience?”
After accessing the situation to discover that there was no damage to you car and your passenger seems fine, you ask, “Are you okay?” Your passenger looks at you and immediately begins screaming at you. “What in the hell were you thinking? Don’t you know how to drive? I can’t believe you nearly killed us both! And the car, look what you did to the car! You know those airbags can’t just be stuffed back inside. This is a disaster and it’s all your fault!! I knew I shouldn’t trust you to drive. This is the last time I ever go anywhere with you!” Your passenger begins crying abruptly and says, “I’m just going to walk the rest of the way home. You can deal with this situation by yourself. Good luck!” Your passenger pushes you out of the way and begins walking back up to the road. You are left on the side of the road alone with an inoperable car, struggling to think about what to do next.
It is obvious that as this story unfolded, it became potentially more traumatic. The reaction of your passenger defined how you felt about your near-death experience. After reading the story, what feelings are beginning to emerge from your soul? Take a moment and check yourself. Would this be defined as traumatic? Most of us would certainly agree that it is.
How about we rewrite the ending to our story, but let’s put a different passenger in your car. Personally, I didn’t really like the last one; did you? Let me try again.
After accessing the situation to discover that there was no damage to you car and your passenger seems fine, you ask, “Are you okay?” Your passenger looks at you and immediately pulls you in for a hug. “Thank goodness you thought to swerve so quickly. You saved my life. I’m so glad you were driving today. Are you okay?” As you finish your embrace, your passenger looks up at you and smiles. “It’s going to be okay. We will figure out how to get out of this mess and find help, together. What’s most important is that we are safe. Nothing else matters.” After taking a few moments to catch your breath, you grab your cellphone and call for help.
Let me ask you, do you feel different? What feelings began to emerge from your soul now? Would you define this as trauma still?
In both scenarios, you have just survived a near-death experience. But, what defined the situation as traumatic or not, solely depended upon how the passenger in your car reacted. We all go through life exposed to potentially traumatic experiences, but whether or not our body, soul and mind store the experience as trauma is most often defined by the reactions of the person in our passenger seat. Sometimes we get to choose who is in that seat. Other times, we don’t get to choose that person; that passenger is just part of our journey, whether we like it or not.
Children don’t get to choose their passengers.
Let me remind you that as adults, we often get to choose who is with us in our cars. We often choose which relationships we foster or avoid. We get to choose who we marry or divorce. We get to choose which family members we spend our time with (or lack there of). But children? Children never get to choose. As teachers, we don’t really know what type of “car accidents” they have been in, nor do we know how the people in their cars have reacted.
So what can we do? As a teacher, you should strive to always be a positive passenger. We can’t change the passengers that jump into their car when they get home, but maybe we can be the passenger who says, “It’s going to be okay,” instead of the one who ridicules, “This is a disaster and it’s all your fault!” Through kindness, understanding and patience, we can teach them that not all passengers are the same. And our hope is that when they get to choose their passengers later on in their lives, maybe they will remember that there are good ones out there? Maybe they will remember you?
We can’t take away their trauma. We can’t make their trauma disappear. We can’t ensure that they never experience trauma again. We are simply just a passenger in their car. So ask yourself, what kind of passenger are you?
