When we focus on intentional listening, we are often told to paraphrase what the other individual is saying. As instructional leaders, we are taught that paraphrasing is an effective strategy to ensure the conversation is efficient, productive, and that everyone is understood. But, is there a wrong way to paraphrase?
I recently shared in on a conversation with the manager of an Early Childhood Center and a teacher. The teacher was struggling to complete her deadlines, and we were hoping to collaborate to provide the teacher with a few ideas to encourage her to better prioritize her time. Her center was short-staffed and had recently been closed due to illness. It was safe to say that this teacher was in survival mode, as we all have been this past year.
Within the first few minutes of the conversation, it was evident that not only did the teacher need tremendous support, but the manager was far behind in her research regarding instructional coaching. The manager talked more than the teacher. How can you truly listen if you are talking? The manager would interrupt the teacher’s thoughts and say things like, “Well, we’ve talked about this before and….” How can you help a teacher problem-solve when you keep throwing mud? I began to wonder if this manager was really here to help this teacher, or was this another opportunity for the manager to demonstrate her “chain-of-command,” which she referenced several times during the conversation. Not only did she remind the teacher about this ridiculous “chain,” but she also ensured that I knew my place in the “chain” as well. We were both below her. Below her. Far below her in the agency’s “chain-of-command.”
While there were a few strategies the manager used that made me scratch my head, the one that really bothered me was her use of paraphrasing. She certainly was trying to be an effective leader, but something about her approach chapped my hide.
Throughout the conversation, the manager made multiple attempts to paraphrase. But, paraphrasing should never be about what “I hear”, but more about what “you said”. The teacher would describe a struggle and the manager would attempt to paraphrase with “What I hear you saying is…? The manager would continue with “Is that what I hear?” or “Did I hear that correctly?” or “So, what I understand I heard was…” The teacher would nod her head in agreement and the conversation would continue flowing.
Hold up. Wait a minute. Something about the conversation just didn’t sit right with me. If this teacher was already the target of the manager for potential disciplinary action, is she really going to argue with what the manager heard? How can that teacher say “No, that is not what you heard!?” Isn’t hearing the same as seeing, in that we each have our own perspective? If I hear a bird, but you hear the leaves rustling in the wind, who is right? I’ll tell you who is right. The person who is in charge, that’s who!
The purpose of paraphrasing is to listen with intent. The purpose is to ensure everyone feels heard and understood. The purpose of paraphrasing, specific to instructional coaching, is to collaborate, while making sure everyone is on the same page. In order to collaborate, we have to be equals. We can’t reference the “chain-of-command.” We can’t interrupt one another. We can’t keep telling people what “I hear” without asking them what “you said.” We can’t really listen if all we are doing is….talking, talking, talking.
Being an optimist and a believer that we can be “Much Better Than Yesterday,” I reminded myself that maybe this manager just needs a bit of training herself. Maybe this manager doesn’t really know better? That’s okay, because once we know better, we can be better.
If there is a wrong way to paraphrase, there must be a right way too?
Instead of saying, “What I hear you saying….” might I suggest you try, “What you just said was....” If someone misunderstands what you just said, it is much easier to say, “No, that is not what I just said,” as opposed to arguing, “No, that is not what you just heard.” When you are paraphrasing, challenge yourself to not say the word “I” ever! After all, there is no “I” in paraphrase. Because paraphrasing isn’t about you…it’s about ensuring the other person is heard.
Avoid:
- What I hear you saying is….
- Did I hear that correctly?
- Is that what I hear?
- So, what I heard you say was…
- So, if I understand you correctly, you were saying….
Instead try:
- “What you are saying is…”
- “What you are talking about is…”
- “So, what you are trying to help me understand is…”
- “So, it sounds like you….”
- What you just said was…
